Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
