and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
