i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
