Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have grass duct taped all over my body
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
