Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
