So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
