I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
