i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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