The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
