I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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