If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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