it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
