As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
