i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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