I'm really into asian looking animals
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
