I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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