Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
