So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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