you would pick up someone in the library
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
