I'm gonna have a badass scar
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
