Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm getting married
To pizza
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
