I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
