at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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