Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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