I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
