i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
