On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
