she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
