If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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