If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You pole danced in your parka.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
