I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
