I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
