no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
