I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
