Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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