people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
