Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize