Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
