i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
