I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
