Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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