got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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