I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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