It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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