so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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