It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
