Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
