ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
