My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
