Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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