I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
