2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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