u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
