the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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